Until Today...

I know I promised countless people that I would blog but to be honest, I really haven't had much to say. Until today. I wish I could say that I love living in Kenya and my job is amazing and I can see God everywhere I look. But the truth is, these past 4 months do not deserve those words. I have started writing blog posts often, but just couldn't bring myself to post them. People want to hear about our incredible life, they want to know how many lives we have changed and see the faces of those that are going to heaven wholly because my husband and I are missionaries and are changing the world. And unfortunately, if you are waiting for a blog to contain those stories, you will have to continue waiting. 

We arrived in Kenya just short of 4 months ago with the idea that we would stay long term, but nearly the second we stepped off the plane things began to fall apart, for me at least. The job I came here for changed drastically once I arrived. Being the director of Visible Grace Children's home was nothing like the job description I had agreed to. Due to the construction of the foundation of this organization being very rocky, hinges quickly went from bad to worse. In Kenya, one gains respect with age. I, however, was the person who had the most power but the smallest amount of years alive on this earth, not to mention in Kenya. Culture is so strong here and change takes immense amounts of time as well as relationships with the people. Coming from a different culture/mindset did not allow me to be successful or even have a positive effect on the ministry. I was crushed. I had given up my entire life to volunteer with an organization at was crumbling with me at the helm. After much prayer and countless late night discussions with Drew, we decided that the best thing for our marriage was that I step down and remove myself from the organization. My last trip to the Visible Grace house was officially November 2nd. Such a bittersweet day. 

One of the changes made in the job description was that my hours or expected time at the Visible Grace house was cut from 3 days a week to just 1. That meant that I only traveled to the house on Wednesdays and the rest of the 26 days of the month I was more or less home bound. Drew and I don't have a car and even if we did, there really isn't anywhere to go and hang out here, especially not for a white woman alone. My days became nightmares. I feel like I constantly questioned God's plan while I felt like He set me up on a shelf and just forgot about me. Growing up in the church has instilled countless verses such as "God will never leave you or forsake you" "in this world you will have trouble, but take heart for I have overcome the world." The list can go on and on. While I knew these verses in my head, it seemed like they had escaped my heart. None of it seemed to matter anymore. My prayers bounced off the ceiling, I had no interactions with people so I didn't have anyone to show Christ to, the notion that led me to believe that if I were to die in this country, no one would even notice. God seemed to have all but left me alone in a 3rd world country. There have been countless days that if I knew how to get to the airport, I would be gone by now. 

But I'm supposedly a missionary. One that God sends to the corners of the world to preach the gospel. Christian society tells us that missionaries are so spiritual and they have the greatest faith and walk with Jesus. But here I am, living on the mission field, questioning if God even exists. I know I'm not supposed to say that, but it's the truth. I have spent too many days trying to keep myself together and put on a show for everyone we live and commune with who love life here and for everyone back in the States that brags about us to everyone they know. For awhile, I was so afraid to talk about my true feelings with anyone other than my husband. What would people think of me? Or worse of God if they heard what I really had to say? Everyone we have met here absolutely loves Kenya. How do I find a way to be open and honest with people who could never understand where I am? For awhile, almost 4 months, the devil continued to win in that lie holding me back from telling my real story. And I let him hold me back.

Until today. Somehow while I was brushing my teeth this morning, I felt God urging me not to hide anymore. The more I thought about writing this, the more I remembered how many people changed my life with being transparent. As a Christian, we all want to seem like we have it all together. But this lie can paralyzes us to our core. We see everyone's "highlight reel" while we are looking at our "deleted scenes" thinking there couldn't possibly be someone else who feels like I do. And that's where the devil wants us to stay. He wants to divide the community that Christ intended for His children. He wants to do whatever he can to keep us from growing with Jesus and others. And for me, keeping my truth under a mask allowed him to continue to feed me lie after lie. But I'm choosing to end the cycle here. What if we all truly opened up our lives and struggles to not just God first, but the incredible people He has blessed us with? What if we stopped living lives separate from others and began to operate as the early church did sharing everything we have with whoever needs it, including our feelings and failures? What if we recognized that others are walking through trials too and could really use the scriptures or words we learned when we were walking through a similar struggle? What would happen if we were truly transparent to those around us? I think we would be insanely amazed at what God could do through our stories and lessons. I think He would begin to show Himself in new ways as we grow and do life together. Transparency is not easy, but neither is doing life on our own. God wants to commune with you constantly and has placed people in your life and mine to point us back to Him and do life with us. 

"[Our] flesh and hearts may fail, but God is the strength of [our] hearts and [our] portion forever." ~Psalm 73:26

How Did We Get Here?

A week ago today was my first full day as a Collette and to be honest, it really hasn't sunk in yet. Legally, I am now Kaitlyn Hope Collette, but I have still signed Marko more times than I can count and every time I see my husband's wedding band or wake up next to him in bed, I question reality. I guess that's to be expected though when you get married a month after he proposed. But to be fair, I think I knew this day was coming from our very first date. However, I didn't think it would ever happen this quickly. Allow me to explain just a glimpse of what God has done in the past 3 months leading up to the creation of the Collette household. 

If you've ever read my blogs or spoken to me, you know that I've already spent 6 months in 3 African countries and truly left my heart there in December when I boarded the plane to come back to the States. God blessed me with an incredible nursing job that I loved, but nothing about life was full or "African." I have never found a place where I can call home and feel so alive like Africa is for me. The continent itself is so different than America but so full of potential and life if we are willing to follow God's leading and His direction to love the people and show them Him first and foremost. My heart has longed for Africa since December 20th when we touched down in Atlanta and I had received a few offers for ministry positions, but none had the same peace that I felt when Christ opened the door for my previous trip. Not until I met Ashby. In April, Alison and I went to visit Drew for Easter and spent about 2 weeks being tourists in Kenya. The sights are beautiful and we had a great time, but there are 2 days I remember and loved the most. The first was a day, and the most significant in our story, we spent at Heshima, an organization for kids with special needs. Drew, Alison, and I spent the day playing with kids, doing therapy, feeding them, assisting the workers, anything and everything needed we attempted to help with. While we were there, we met Ashby who is a volunteer with Heshima 1-2 days a week but she was in the final stages of opening the first home for children on the property known as Visible Grace. As we talked, we learned more about the vision and work Ashby has already done and how close everything was to being reality. To be honest, I listened, asked questions, and prayed for her but never thought anything of it. Not until the middle to end of May. Drew and I were at a crucial part of our relationship. He felt God leading him to stay in Kenya longer and I knew that if we added multiple more years to long distance it wouldn't work. Plus, from the very beginning, we refused to go to another country or ministry "chasing" each other. So we were at an impasse, I had no reason to be in Kenya, he had no reason to leave. But God, as always, had other plans. During this time, I messaged Tracey, the director of Heshima, about any ministry opportunities within the next year or so she knew of and every option she gave me were already closed doors or the peace was not there. I also messages Ashby, seeing how everything was going with Visible Grace but also randomly asking if she knew of anything also. The next day, I got a response from Ashby. "We are looking for a nurse now," she wrote, "and I'm also leaving in August for over a year so I'm looking for an American director to be in charge of the entire ministry on the ground in Kenya while I'm gone, is that something that interests you? Because I think you're completely an answer to my prayers." As I read, peace beyond all understanding came over my body and spirit. Jesus was there, holding my hand, reading over my shoulder, walking through this with me and opening doors that I hadn't even thought of. Without hesitation I forwarded the email to Drew and through a few Skype calls with Ashby and intense messages back and forth to Kenya, I was offered the position of director at Visible Grace in Kenya until I felt God lead me somewhere else. Basically, the job is mine as long as I want it. "Oh, and how fast can you be here?" Ashby followed up the offer with. Completely blown away by God, I relayed all of this information to Drew because he has intentionally stayed out of the process unless invited in by me so it truly is my ministry and my decision. Drew didn't hesitate for one second when suggesting we get married before he was set to go back to Kenya and have me come back with him, as his wife. He said so many things that allowed me to understand this wasn't on a whim, he had thought seriously about spending the rest of his life with me for over 6 months prior to this. We had talked about it before and I was set on marrying him one day, but didn't anticipate it happening this summer! But more time in prayer and wise counsel and I was at peace with being his wife sooner rather than later and starting this new adventure together as one. I have to admit, I was extremely tired of doing life separate from him and anxiously awaited the day God would bring us together again. And as always, our Father knew the desires of our hearts and rewarded our faithfulness and trust in Him. Drew asked me to be his wife on a Tuesday night at the Rochester Mills, where we had our first date last year. We planned our dream wedding in 3 weeks, didn't compromise on one thing we wanted and got married July 18th. Yes, we got married on a Thursday, but to be fair, NOTHING about our relationship is conventional so why would we ever get married on the typical days? 

This week has been full of preparations to leave on July 31st for Kenya. I have made so much progress that today is a relaxing day filled with movies and Jesus. But even in my task oriented world recently, I have begun to think and attempt to transition to life in a third world country, life as a wife, life as a director of an orphanage, life with no one but my husband living there with me, life that is fully dependent of Jesus alone. There are far more transitions than I know what to do with to be honest with you. But the last one in that list isn't new and shouldn't be new for any of us. A life fully dependent of Jesus alone. No matter if you live a life that has all the same transitions as me ahead, or you have none of them in common, a life dependent on Jesus is the only way we accomplish the road He has laid out before us. Am I scared? Absolutely. Do I fear failure? 100%. Do I know it's not going to be an easy road? You better believe it. But what trumps all of those, is that my first focus every day is to live a life dependent on Jesus alone. And if I do that, and you do that, first and foremost every day, everything else doesn't seem so daunting. And trusting Him takes away the fear and replaces it with peace. A peace that surpasses all understanding. So no matter what road God has lead you to, give everything to Him first and no matter how rough the road is, you will never walk alone. 

P.S. check out Visible Grace's website to learn more about the beautiful kids and ministry I will be a part of! www.visiblegrace.org

What are you waiting for?

3 weeks from today, I have the privilege of picking my handsome man up from the airport to spend 2 whole months in the US (the longest amount of time we have spent in the same place). And I find myself more and more anxious for the day I get to see him. Of course that's normal, but it made me think, do I do this with every part of my life? Do I live in anticipation of what's coming and miss the things God has set out for me to do today? I know in my relationship, the distance and time changes are far more stressful than either of us could have imagined, and I find myself very angry and frustrated by the fact that Drew needs to sleep when I'm in the middle of a catastrophe. Don't get me wrong, he is incredibly supportive and we do all that we can in order to support and be there for each other, but I know that I cannot wait to have him in the same time zone and state again soon. But I miss things. The other night he stayed up really late to talk since we hadn't seen each other the entire week and the very next day I jumped on him for something little and pointless, making his sacrifice the day before seem pointless and unrecognized. In my quiet time with Jesus today, I couldn't help but A) be convicted of hurting the man God has miraculously brought into my life, but B) wonder how many times we do this with God. How many times does He bless us or reveal Himself to us and we turn right around and blame Him for something else and completely dismiss the incredible thing He did for us right before? How many times do we look forward and miss the things the little "distractions" He has for us to do today? How many things have I failed to thank Him for or do in His name because my focus is on what's coming instead of what is here now? How can we shift our focus to see what He has for us to see, today, this minute? 

There's probably a Hillsong song that can apply to every part of our lives, but as I prayed for His eyes, these lyrics poured into my heart and convicted me in ways I cannot describe.

"Open up my eyes for the things unseen, show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours, everything I am for Your kingdoms cause" 

Show me how to love like You love me....everything comes back to love. I know it sounds so fundamental, but it is. If we learn to love people like Christ loves us, we won't miss the here and now. If we learn to love like Christ and love like He loves us we will see the things that are unseen. If we love people like Christ loves us, our hearts will break for what breaks His. And everything we are will be for His cause. 

And since I started with him, selfishly, if I learn to love like Christ, I would be able to love Drew more fully and be able to show him my appreciation for everything he does loving me. 

While love is the greater commandment and the basis for everything we are called to as "little Christ's", I believe there is another piece to this, a piece that I think is just as hard, if not harder in my opinion, than loving like Christ loves us. 

"...For I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content." ~Philippians 4:11b

Content: satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else. 

How many times can you say you are truly "content"? I know I look at the definition and can list a dozen instances from just today that I'm not even close to content. I want my man home, I want to know what God is doing in my life, I want to know when I can go back to the continent that's home, I want to be out of my parents house, I want all sorts of things. And I think that if I can just make it to the next thing that ill be happy or at peace or feel like I'm where I need to be. But nothing in the Word talks about waiting or being anxious about what is ahead. In fact, there are countless references and commands to "not be anxious about ANYTHING" but instead to be content in where Christ has us and what He has called us to and trusting that His plan and timing is perfect in every part of our lives. I'm the first one to be convicted, but being content, allows us to love and shift our focus from our own situations to the lives and circumstances of those around us. And ultimately, gives our Father all the glory in every part of our lives, which is what we are all created for and called to. 

4 months and 4 days.

4 months and 4 days.

That's how long I have been back in Michigan. My time in Africa seems like another lifetime ago but when I reflect back, it's only been 4 months and 4 days. The wonders the devil can do in 4 months. His attacks came almost immediately. From family drama, to saying goodbye to Drew again, to the inability to find a job, the list goes on and on. And as I look back, the person I was when I came home, slowly has faded. I spent 3 months practically stuck in a house while the rest of the world went on without me. I had no idea what God was doing or where He was for that matter. 3 months without a job, 3 months without a plan. 3 months of staring at a TV screen wishing I was back in Africa, yet being so overwhelmed and worn out from the trip, I hardly knew where I was. And then American life came back with a vengeance. I was hired for the nursing position I wanted and I thanked God and hit the ground running. The paychecks started coming, the stress of working flooded back, and my trust in God has continued to be depleted. I somehow had allowed the devil to strip me of my trust in Christ and all the things I learned prior to and in Africa. I look at my life, and hardly see the need for God. I know He is in control, but I am good at my job, I make a lot of money for a new grad, and my life is moving forward in all the ways expected. God is still there, but no where near where He should be. Does my life bring Christ glory anymore? Do my words point people to Him? Am I any different than the people all around me living their lives for themselves? I know I cringe sometimes when I hear the things I say. I know I don't treat Drew the way I used to or respect him the way God has called me to. I know at the end of the day, when I lay down, I wonder what I did for Christ that day and come up empty almost every time. I know my prayer life, is no where near where it was in December and I genuinely miss my God's voice and presence. 4 months and 4 days was all it took. For me to be at a place where I am more frustrated with myself and the way I'm living than ever before. 4 months and 4 days is all it took for me to allow the devil to strip away what Jesus has done in my life. I look back, and cannot pinpoint one day when it all changed, because it happened gradually. One day, I allowed myself to be sarcastic and open my mouth without bringing honor and glory to Christ and the next day, it was easier to do it again. And the next day, I wasn't just sarcastic, I was negative or cynical in a world filled with hope and joy and love. Every day matters. Every day affects the next. Every day the devil is trying with all of his might to tear us down and it's our choice, my choice, who I will live for. Today, I am choosing Jesus. And my prayer is that every day, I would start my day giving it to Him,and you would too.

Jesus, forgive me. I have allowed the devil to take my focus away from You. Please help me to choose to live for you every morning. To love people as You love them, to speak in a way that edifies others and brings You praise, to be joyful and thankful in all things, and to pray without ceasing. I love You and give you everything I am, for without You, I am nothing. I praise You for You are holy. Let everything I say and do bring You praise. Amen.