I know I promised countless people that I would blog but to be honest, I really haven't had much to say. Until today. I wish I could say that I love living in Kenya and my job is amazing and I can see God everywhere I look. But the truth is, these past 4 months do not deserve those words. I have started writing blog posts often, but just couldn't bring myself to post them. People want to hear about our incredible life, they want to know how many lives we have changed and see the faces of those that are going to heaven wholly because my husband and I are missionaries and are changing the world. And unfortunately, if you are waiting for a blog to contain those stories, you will have to continue waiting.
We arrived in Kenya just short of 4 months ago with the idea that we would stay long term, but nearly the second we stepped off the plane things began to fall apart, for me at least. The job I came here for changed drastically once I arrived. Being the director of Visible Grace Children's home was nothing like the job description I had agreed to. Due to the construction of the foundation of this organization being very rocky, hinges quickly went from bad to worse. In Kenya, one gains respect with age. I, however, was the person who had the most power but the smallest amount of years alive on this earth, not to mention in Kenya. Culture is so strong here and change takes immense amounts of time as well as relationships with the people. Coming from a different culture/mindset did not allow me to be successful or even have a positive effect on the ministry. I was crushed. I had given up my entire life to volunteer with an organization at was crumbling with me at the helm. After much prayer and countless late night discussions with Drew, we decided that the best thing for our marriage was that I step down and remove myself from the organization. My last trip to the Visible Grace house was officially November 2nd. Such a bittersweet day.
One of the changes made in the job description was that my hours or expected time at the Visible Grace house was cut from 3 days a week to just 1. That meant that I only traveled to the house on Wednesdays and the rest of the 26 days of the month I was more or less home bound. Drew and I don't have a car and even if we did, there really isn't anywhere to go and hang out here, especially not for a white woman alone. My days became nightmares. I feel like I constantly questioned God's plan while I felt like He set me up on a shelf and just forgot about me. Growing up in the church has instilled countless verses such as "God will never leave you or forsake you" "in this world you will have trouble, but take heart for I have overcome the world." The list can go on and on. While I knew these verses in my head, it seemed like they had escaped my heart. None of it seemed to matter anymore. My prayers bounced off the ceiling, I had no interactions with people so I didn't have anyone to show Christ to, the notion that led me to believe that if I were to die in this country, no one would even notice. God seemed to have all but left me alone in a 3rd world country. There have been countless days that if I knew how to get to the airport, I would be gone by now.
But I'm supposedly a missionary. One that God sends to the corners of the world to preach the gospel. Christian society tells us that missionaries are so spiritual and they have the greatest faith and walk with Jesus. But here I am, living on the mission field, questioning if God even exists. I know I'm not supposed to say that, but it's the truth. I have spent too many days trying to keep myself together and put on a show for everyone we live and commune with who love life here and for everyone back in the States that brags about us to everyone they know. For awhile, I was so afraid to talk about my true feelings with anyone other than my husband. What would people think of me? Or worse of God if they heard what I really had to say? Everyone we have met here absolutely loves Kenya. How do I find a way to be open and honest with people who could never understand where I am? For awhile, almost 4 months, the devil continued to win in that lie holding me back from telling my real story. And I let him hold me back.
Until today. Somehow while I was brushing my teeth this morning, I felt God urging me not to hide anymore. The more I thought about writing this, the more I remembered how many people changed my life with being transparent. As a Christian, we all want to seem like we have it all together. But this lie can paralyzes us to our core. We see everyone's "highlight reel" while we are looking at our "deleted scenes" thinking there couldn't possibly be someone else who feels like I do. And that's where the devil wants us to stay. He wants to divide the community that Christ intended for His children. He wants to do whatever he can to keep us from growing with Jesus and others. And for me, keeping my truth under a mask allowed him to continue to feed me lie after lie. But I'm choosing to end the cycle here. What if we all truly opened up our lives and struggles to not just God first, but the incredible people He has blessed us with? What if we stopped living lives separate from others and began to operate as the early church did sharing everything we have with whoever needs it, including our feelings and failures? What if we recognized that others are walking through trials too and could really use the scriptures or words we learned when we were walking through a similar struggle? What would happen if we were truly transparent to those around us? I think we would be insanely amazed at what God could do through our stories and lessons. I think He would begin to show Himself in new ways as we grow and do life together. Transparency is not easy, but neither is doing life on our own. God wants to commune with you constantly and has placed people in your life and mine to point us back to Him and do life with us.
"[Our] flesh and hearts may fail, but God is the strength of [our] hearts and [our] portion forever." ~Psalm 73:26
