Jealousy

As I flew from Phoenix to Detroit tonight, on the first of our 24 hours of fly time , 3 leg adventure to Africa, I can't help but miss Drew. I miss every part of who he is, I miss every part of who we are, and I miss every part of who I am when I'm with him. Don't worry, this blog is not all about Drew. It's about how God used my desire to see Drew and my longing to be physically with him again to show me a bit of His heart, and maybe just maybe why He ordained such an incredible relationship to start right before we both left to do His work separately.

As I read and think and pray on this red eye flight, I can see Gods heart a little clearer tonight. "He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy...and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me. Oh how He loves us, oh how He loves us, how He loves us so." I can't help but to equate my desire to see and spend time with Drew to our Heavenly Father's desire to love and spend time with not only me, but the people I am going overseas to minister to as well. Many of the people I will meet over the next 5 months, don't know who Jesus is. Can you imagine, a Father looking down on His creation, being jealous for time with them, and them not even knowing who He is? I don't know about you, but that breaks my heart, but not in a negative way. In an all-consuming overpowering type way that drives me to first my knees, and secondly to action. Our Father wants so badly to commune and love the people of South Africa, Mozambique, and Lesotho. And He chose me to go and show them that love in whatever ways He calls me to. He hasn't just called me. He has called Joshua, Megan, Lindsey, Brenna, Emily, Hannah, Heather, Mark, Katie, Cassandra, Cailee and I to this beautiful journey. And while none of us feel worthy of this call, I'm seeing more and more that His heart continually breaks the longer His people go without hearing His voice and His name. I know I'm struggling enough with not hearing from Drew daily or talking to him about whats going on in his life but once a week, but that's nothing compared to the ages and ages the people we will be ministering to have been away from Jesus and how jealous He is for their time and affection. I'm in no way saying I feel the same hurt that God feels when He looks down, but I do understand a bit more of why I'm allowed to walk down this difficult road of not speaking to Drew often because it allows me to understand the urgency of which the message I carry contains. And how nothing should stop me from spending as much time, and ultimately giving my life to spreading His word and love to those who haven't heard it in Africa.

TOMORROW!

Well, tomorrow is the day! We leave tomorrow for our first flight of our 3 flight trip to Cape town, South Africa. We fly from Phoenix to Detroit, from Detroit to Amsterdam, and from Amsterdam to Cape town. 3 full days of travel, long layovers, and 10 hours of time changes, but by 10pm South Africa time on August 1st I will FINALLY be on the ground and stepping into my future. It's finally here! It's like the day before Christmas and I'm a 4 year old kid just ready for life to start. My mind and heart are all over the place, but as we pack our bags and make our final preparations, there's this still small voice that whispers thru the words of Habakkuk and the verse I have chosen to be a theme of my trip. "Look among the nations and see; wonder and be astounded. For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe, even if told." Habakkuk 1:5. Once again I'm reminded that I don't need to know. I don't need to have a detailed plan and picture of what I'm doing. I don't need control. Because God's plan is so great that I wouldn't believe it even if I were told about it. This verse isn't just true about me and my team but for you as well. God is planning to do something in my life, your life, your families lives, your friends lives, something more than we would believe even if we were told about it. If you're like me, the lack of control is scary, but our God is so much greater and His plans, purpose and timing of everything He does is ALWAYS perfect. I don't know much about what is going on after August 1st in regards to what everyday life will look like, but God knows and has it perfectly planned out as well. In that truth, there's peace, in that truth, there's hope, in that truth, theres freedom. And that's all I need to have a peace that surpasses all understanding flood my heart and soul today and in the days to come. I pray that that truth strengthens you and changes your view on God as well, because He wants to do immeasurably more than you could ever ask for or imagine in and thru you, if you just let Him.

Stand Back Up

As I lay in my bunk at the mission, reading "When Helping Hurts", I'm confronted with the realization of how tired my body is. And when I begin to think more about my week and the huge transitions and life changes that have happened this week, I begin to pray. But as I pray, I realize that my prayer life has not been what it normally is at home and where I love it to be this week. I was in a great place last week, but this week has been filled with emotionally demanding days and many sleepless nights. I wake up tired and ultimately distracted from what God is calling me to, allowing little things to frustrate me and annoy me and my prayer life to decline in a somewhat rapid fashion. I begin to realize that I miss my constant prayer time with Him, I miss my focus on everything He is doing and most importantly, I'm disappointed in myself and angry at the devil for the trap that I have fallen into. His tactic worked on me. BUT, tomorrow is a new day, and our Father is a loving and forgiving God that simply desires time with us. I don't have to be perfect, but as I repent, I can feel clarity of mind and my desire to praise and pray constantly come back into my heart and mind. Our God is greater than anything, anyone, and any stronghold and He is always always there to pick us up and dust off His children with love and a smile. I don't know where you are with God today, but I know that my prayer is that I would be more in tune to the spiritual realm and on guard to the devils devises. I'm seeing more and more as I take steps forward in Him and His call that my armor of God must always be in place and my heart must be always focused on Him. I pray that whoever you are today and whatever your stronghold may be that you give it up to your loving Father and put His armor on in order to "extinguish the flaming darts of the enemy....and when you have done everything to stand, stand firm then." I know I need to be more intentional about it and I pray you will be too.

Sacrifices

(written 7/24/12) Our past few days have been full of relaxation and helping out around the mission we are using as somewhat of our home base. We spend most of our time at churches and in the communities, but spend a few days relaxing and debriefing in order to recharge for our next mission. We spent yesterday cleaning the entire kitchen at the mission. I spent hours scrubbing the stove tops, oven fronts, and even under the stove tops. Lynn, the woman that runs and lives at the mission with her husband, Don, was floored when she saw it. Blessing someone who blesses so many is an incredible way to do ministry and one of my favorite things. As we woke up this morning, I got a text notifying me a close friends grandmother had passed away, as we went thru our day of hiking and sightseeing, I got another text saying one of my friends is getting an annulment, finally, I received a message saying Drew made it to Kenya to start his incredible adventure that God has for him but 3 of his 4 pieces of checked luggage did not. The list continues to grow of things that happen at home and to the ones I love and care about and I'm not able to be there for. I've missed engagements, break ups, deaths, new jobs, and departures for big missions and I've only been gone for a little more than 2 weeks. As I walk the road Jesus has called me to and set before me, I am becoming more and more aware of the hardest part of being a missionary. It's not that I miss home, I just miss being able to be the friend, sister, girlfriend, and daughter that I want to be. I can already see it being my biggest struggle for the future and as I continue to give more and more of my life to missions. I know that God is moving here and what we're doing, and I know God is in the midst of everything that happens at home. Our God knew everything that was going to happen before I even accepted the position on this team. The more I pray about it, the more I am aware that the devil is doing any and everything he can to distract me and take me away from what God is doing. I wish every time something happened I could go home for a few hours and just make sure everyone is ok because that's the heart God has given me, to care greatly for those around me and take on the burdens of others. But I have to trust that my prayers and occasional conversations with my friends are exactly what they need and God is using them in the perfect way to comfort His children. My trust in Him is growing so much, but the hurt is still there. It's something I know I have to work thru and am so much more aware of now that I have left home. I had an idea it would be hard, but never could have expected this. Just another thing I have to daily give to my Heavenly Father and trust He will provide everything I and everyone I care about needs.

P.S. I have to brag for a moment about Drew, and ask for your prayer for him as well. He left yesterday to start his 2 year adventure as an athletic director at West Nairobi School. I couldn't be more proud of him and just his heart for Jesus. He loves Jesus with everything he has and everything else comes second. And not only does he live his life that way, he encourages and supports me living the same way. God is definitely the center of everything he does and I'm so blessed to call him mine. His travel day was pretty rocky, but he arrived safe and sound, missing 3 bags like I said before, but he's there and ready to start with a long list of transitions and get to work with what God has for him. Can you tell how proud I am of my man? I would love it if you could add him and his ministry to your prayers as well as his fellow teachers and the students he will be ministering to through the gifts and talents God has blessed him with as a teacher and administrator, not to mention a man of God. If you're interested in his journey, he also has a blog, Colletteinkenya.wordpress.com

How Beautiful the Feet...

After our adventures remudding houses we moved on to a tent revival with another Navajo pastor. This revival had been going on from Monday thru Saturday, but we were only there for Wednesday and Thursday nights. The revivals include a time of worship, testimonies (where anyone in the community can come and tell about what God has or is doing in their lives) after that, every revival would introduce us as a team and have us sing songs for them (were not a traveling singing group, but by Gods grace we do our best). After we sang and spoke, a pastor would speak to the congregation. The majority of the service is in Navajo, but I love hearing it and spend most of my time praying for the people and pretty much anything that I can see they need, and things that God just lays on my heart for them. On Thursday, the pastor asked us if he could speak some wisdom over us before we left. Of course we said yes! He had us sing again, and then spoke over us. He spoke about Acts 1:7-8 "He said to them, "It is not for you to know times or seasons that the Father has fixed by his authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth." I love when God uses the same verse that He showed me when I first signed up for this trip to encourage us and show us His heart for us as we are about to leave for Africa. After his sermon, he individually washed every one of our feet. I have never been so humbled. We came to the reservation to serve the people here and here's an elderly pastor that is on his knees washing my feet. He told us he was blessing us in the only way he knew how for everything we did for him and his church. Personally, I don't think it was a fair trade. I was blessed and humbled beyond belief. I continually am reminded of how unworthy I am to be on this trip and how great our God is. I felt that we needed to be washing this pastors feet and praying over him and just listening constantly to him for his wisdom, but instead I was being served in the same way Jesus served His disciples. I have never felt more prepared to go to Africa, to "go and preach good news." because of a beautiful 60 something year old pastor and his servants heart that listened to the still small voice of God that called him to wash our feet. I will never forget his eyes or his hands as he cleaned my feet. I'm forever grateful and so excited for what God is going to do in and thru us in Africa now that we're prepared.

Mud Huts

(written 7/16/12) The past 2 days have been spent in yet another Navajo community. This one is near the center of the reservation and very traditional. They have so many awesome traditions that they are trying to keep alive and use to glorify God with. According to Pastor Daniel Smiley, this is basically taboo. If the other Christians and the other Navajo's found out they were participating in these rituals it would be a big problem. Many of the people, including Pastor Daniel, we're shunned from their families for converting to Christianity. Most of the grandfathers of the members of the congregation were medicine men (they were the physicians of the tribe, but we're also believers of crazy out there things) the legacy was changed and God completely conformed their stories for His glory. There is a lot of chaos on the reservation such as alcoholism, drug trafficking, and abuse. But God is obviously moving and doing great things here, even if it's a slow progression. Pastors like Daniel Smiley are answering Gods call on their lives and being used in incredible ways.
Today, Pastor Daniel took us hiking in a beautiful canyon and showed us cave dwelling remains of the Navajo people. The hike was 2 1/2 miles long with a decent elevation change. It felt so nice to get out and do something that was completely up my alley and enjoying the beauty of Gods creation. I spent most of the hike praying and thanking Him for His creativity and feeling so incredibly close to Him in His beautiful creation. There is no way, in my mind that Gods existence isn't 100% evident when you hike and see the unique and incredible creation all around us here in Arizona. After we came back to the church we're staying at, we helped the pastor and some people mud a traditional home. They mud this house every year because the snow and sun destroy it. We had to legit mix the mud with water and apply it by hand to the structure. We mixed the mud with our feet and used our hands as trowels to put it onto the wall. As we worked, the story of the Israelites continually flashed in my head. We worked on this house for 4-5 hours, but the Israelites worked for pharaoh every day, all day. That was the majority of their lives and most of them never saw a better life. We enjoyed the time in the mud today and really had fun together working, but if that was my entire lot in life, I'm not sure I would be able to continue day in and day out. Somehow, the more we worked, the more I realized that my trials and my tough times were all for a greater purpose. Just like the Israelites were allowed to stay in slavery for hundreds of years for Gods glory, I was also allowed to walk a difficult road. The things I have walked thru have might not brought an instant return or instant great testimony, but they have brought God glory in so many aspects and I know they will continue to shape me and help others like me to trust in Gods plan a little bit stronger and a little bit harder. It's funny how God uses things like mud houses to make you aware of how great He is and how perfect His plan is.

Faith Like A Child

As kids club came to a close yesterday (7/13/12), the beautiful women of the congregation at White Rock Baptist Church made us a lunch of Navajo tacos and taught us how to sing in Navajo. We sang three songs with them in Navajo and I can't believe how easily I began to sing with them and how easily the language came to each of us. I truly felt Gods presence as I opened my mouth and His words poured out. I can't even describe what I felt as His presence washed over me and as I sang. Once again I'm left in awe and feel completely unworthy to be in His presence. His love and Spirit was so evident, I never wanted to leave. It was nothing special. Just 3 women singing in Navajo accapella, but it was one of those moments that I just could not deny His presence. The kids club went great and we had about 20 kids from ages 2-9. My days were devoted to a little boy named Yngwie (pronounced Ingway). He is 2 years old and speaks a smattering of both english and Navajo. Most of the time, I had no idea what he was saying, but his joy and love for life are unparalleled. I often spend time with kids, but sometimes I miss the joy in their eyes because I am busy or they're simply just sassy. But something in this little boy never changed. We were always exploring, always learning, and always digging in whatever we could find. Everything was new and different for him and every time he did something was like the first time, even if we had done it 10 times before. I was challenged once again to not only see every part of this trip with fresh eyes, but also to see every part of my life in a new light every day and every time no matter how many times I have seen it or done it before. I wonder how life would change if I strive to find the positive and new element to everything I did and looked at it with a joy that is unexplainable. I wonder what God would do thru that and how much He would be able to use me for His glory because I am seeing things thru His eyes. I want to see everything with new eyes and with a new fresh look every time no matter how many times I have seen it. I pray I never lose that joy and I never ever lose that love for everything God brings me to or thru.

Let Every Tribe Praise His Holy Name

"every tribe, every nation sing unto God in one voice." Wednesday night (7/11/12) we had the incredible privilege of joining the Roger Deal Navajo Baptist Church for their midweek service. I wish words could describe the beauty of hearing Navajo people of all ages sing unto God in their native tongue and read out of Navajo bibles that were translated by the pastors uncle himself in a hogon (a traditional Navajo house) right outside the church building. We sang hymns in both English and Navajo and rejoiced together as people from the congregation were given time to share what God is doing in their heart and lives. The people are so reliant on God. They give everything they have to Him and rely on Him for everything they need. As they took offering, we noticed a man who put fifty cents in the offering plate, but he had given everything he had, just like the woman who gave Jesus her two pennies. Their lives depend solely on God and what they do make, they give back to Him in its entirety. I have never seen anything like it. We pray everyday for God to be our everything but how often do I empty my pockets to Him believing Him for what I need? How often do I spend my entire day on my knees begging for Gods provision and have Him answer me by bringing $6700 worth of free groceries to the church to be handed out to over 30 families for the week? The Navajo people were so thankful that we spent time with them on our journey, but really, I am thankful for them and the lessons and challenges they provided me with. I have said it before, but I believe it truly is the focus of this trip right now. I want to truly know what it means to depend solely on God and give everything I am to Him for His plan and not mine. I want to pray without ceasing and be in constant communication with Him so that I can easily hear His next step and will for me. Are you dependent on God alone? Or do you look to Him when you need something or think you should give Him praise alone? Don't get me wrong, we need our God then too, but what about every step we take in a day? What about every person we come into contact in a day? Don't they deserve to be loved and prayed for even if we don't know what they are going thru? God knows our requests even before we ask, so He knows what they need and will meet it in His way every time. Maybe you don't pray without ceasing, I know I struggle to every day, but I challenge you to try. Give EVERYTHING to Him in EVERY aspect of your life and day and just watch how He will use your obedience and reward you greatly. I know it's a practice I strive for and challenge you to as well.

Choosing to trust

It's kinda crazy sometimes how much God shows you and comforts you with in such a short amount of time. As my training continues, I can't help but be overwhelmed by my humanness, my weakness, and just overall feeling completely inept. Going to Africa and being a full time missionary has been my dream and call for years, but as the trip arrived and my norms changed so did my confidence level. I used to struggle so much with pride and doing things for my glory or just out of my own strength but after these past 8 months or so, i can completely see how God has removed my pride and how different I am and see situations because I'm no longer wrapped up in my own thoughts and abilities. The way I see it, I have 2 choices as we move forward. I can either let this fear and weakness become me, OR I can live one day at a time, completely devoted to the God who has called me here. I choose to live today and every one of my remaining days not allowing the fear of failing control me but allowing God to do everything He has planned for me on this trip. I want to use my awareness of my weakness as a springboard to completely rely on God and to increase my faith and trust in Him alone and minimize myself as much as possible. I want to challenge you to the same thing. I know the U.S. is full of independent self made people, but imagine what it would look like if we all relied of His direction and His abilities for all that we do.

Unstuck

I knew waking up yesterday meant waking up to a complete life change. However, I don't think I was prepared for the extent that it has changed for the better. Currently, I am sitting on my bunk in New Mexico waiting for training to begin. My teammates are everywhere. Some went shopping, some are sleeping, and others of us are spending time with Jesus. There are 13 of us total, 2 guys and 11 girls. We survived the 8 hour car ride from Phoenix to the training center and actually enjoyed ourselves for as long as possible. I also found out yesterday, on the car ride, that I am officially a registered nurse! I passed my boards and am so excited for what God has next! Everyone of my new team mates cheered and congratulated me and I couldn't be more thankful for the little family unit God is already creating. I'm truly in awe of everything God has done to get us to this point. As I begin to hear others stories of how they came about this trip, my level of amazement in our God continues to grow. Many of us have walked strenuous paths to get here but are so thankful for every single thing God has brought us thru. Our lives look nothing like we planned on them looking, but there's something freeing and extremely exciting about that.  I feel like a little kid on Christmas morning and this trip is just me unwrapping the paper on this beautiful gift God has given me with a passion and desire to serve the people of Africa with my life. This trip is only going to scratch the surface and be the first of many adventures God has for me in Africa.  My entire time in college, I struggled with feeling stuck. I knew God had called me to University of Detroit Mercy getting my degree in nursing, but I also knew my heart hurt daily wishing I could be in Africa and just wanting to be there already. It's such a strange but exciting feeling now. I have my degree, I have my license and I'm FINALLY on my way! I know that if I would have gone any early and not walked the road I have, I wouldn't have been prepared the way God had me to be prepared. I am so amazed by His perfect timing and how He works every single thing together for His glory. This isn't about me. This trip, this calling, this life is not about me. The more time I spend with Him, the more I trust and see that everything is out of my hands and in the hands of the One who created everything and every part of me. I want to be His forever and follow His call wherever He leads.