"Secondhand Smoke"

Written (8/26/12)

If there is one thing that I could avoid, one smell, for the rest of my life it would be secondhand smoke. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but after this weekend, it might just be one of my new favorite smells.

I don't think I've said, but my host family smokes. Everyone but Malcolm. They do a good job of smoking outside or opening the window but I can still smell it on their clothes. But after my weekend away (in Vredendal, reuniting with my other teammates that switch this weekend into the opposite communities) coming home meant coming home to secondhand smoke. When I got home, Auntie Jess gave me a big hug and told me how much she missed me. I love Auntie Jess and value our relationship so much, but until last night, I didn't really know how she felt about me. She is a beautiful woman with an extraordinary smile, but she doesn't talk much, so it's hard to know what she thinks because even when she does speak, it's in Africaans. She listens and lets others talk, but serves everyone who she is in contact with. Her servant's heart is teaching me more than she will ever know. Auntie Jess and Uncle Nevile also took me to the shop with them last night. As I sat in the back seat of the car, followed them around the market, and picked out a chocolate bar that Uncle Nevile insisted on buying me, I couldn't help but feel like one of their own children. I also felt like I was 8 years old again, but whatever age I am, I am one of their own now. Being part of their family now means the smell of secondhand smoke, means that I'm home and I can't even describe how incredible it feels to be at home here.

After I came back from the shop, Aurielle came home and invited me to a Brie with her and her friends. A brie is kinda like barbecue but it's more of a social event. They build a fire, wait for the embers to be the only thing remaining and then cook some type of meat over it. Some people eat the meat like that or they make another fire and let it die down and then make a poikecos (not 100% on that spelling). But it basically is the meat they just cooked and rice and veggies and spices in a big pot and they wait for that to cook as well. Dinner takes hours to make, but being around a fire with friends or family is far more important than the actual food, although it is extremely tasty. Before we went to the brie, we stopped at Aurielle's friends house. Only her friends boyfriend was home, but he and I had an awesome conversation just about America, what I'm doing here with my team, what I believe or think about some of the things America does (which blew his mind to hear an American not agree with everything Obama is doing lol) etc. etc. I have met quite a few people in our time here, but none as educated and informed about America as this guy. He went to university for 4 years and then chose to come back to Lambert's Bay, but it was so refreshing to just talk to someone on the same level about where I'm from and not have to clear up countless misconceptions created by the media. After spending some time with him and attempting to yet again learn the rules of rugby and failing, Aurielle and I went to the brie. By the time we got there, it was about 8 o'clock and all of her friends had been drinking for awhile. She began to drink and they offered me some, but I declined and that's where my opportunities began. I didn't just decline the drink, I also had the opportunity to explain why and to challenge the thinking of those there in a non offensive non confrontational way. As the night went on, I had more and more conversations about why my team and I are here, what I'm going to do after this trip, whay my purity ring means, how to make contacts in the medical system as well as encouraging a paramedic to go to University to further his education, and my final conversation of the night broke my heart in many ways. Aurielle is getting married next year and she started talking about Drew and I as well. She keeps inviting herself to our wedding, which is an event entirely made up by her, but even if there isn't a wedding in our future, I still was able to use my relationship to challenge their ideas and norms a bit. She asked me if I meet a guy here if I would stop dating Drew, I responded no but went on to talk about how I made a promise to Drew and want to be with him. But the next part of the conversation shook me a bit. She went on to ask that if Drew were to hook up with other girls while I was gone if that would be ok with me, because that's just what guys do. I went on to explain how Drew is faithful to me and only me and how I'm worth more than to be treated that way. Unfortunately, the conversation quickly changed gears because none of the girls knew how to respond to a relationship like that. Over and over again I am confronted with the way girls view themselves and how men expect women to be in this culture and it breaks my heart. Not because I am a feminist who believes women should rule the world, but simply because God created each and every one of us and gave us value and life and purpose. There are so many girls here who grow up in church and attend every Sunday, but have never really accepted or grown to understand that truth. Everything in me wants to shout it from the mountain tops but instead, I will continue to encourage people like Mariki and her counseling sessions and the community members that spend time with the youth and genuinely care about their well being and future.

Last night, was the first night that I was able to disconnect from the pack of Americans I am usually with, look people in the eye, and meet them exactly where they are. I wasn't on display at the party for being a white American like our group is many places around town, but I was a new friend and person to talk to and genuinely get to know. I didn't do anything they were doing, and I know for a fact, I left some of the speechless at times because of the things I said or rather didn't say that they did. But I was reminded over and over again as I was somewhat concerned what my leaders or the community would think, that Jesus didn't come to heal those who were healthy, He came to SEEK and SAVE the lost. Seeking the lost, means going where they are and meeting them on their level, eating the fish they eat like they eat it, listening to the dirty rap music thats on in the background, and reeking of secondhand smoke. One of my favorite places to talk to people about Jesus at home is at bars and parties. I don't go very often, but when I do, I have some of the absolute best conversations because I meet them where they are and love them no matter how many drinks they have had or how many nasty words they say. I wonder some times what would happen if we would all just get out of our comfort zones and seek those who Jesus came to save in their own environments, in their own comfort zones and show them a love they have never seen before just by being there and being different. Yea, its not necessarily fun for us, and sometimes, it might not be the safest place to be, but Jesus was nailed to a cross for you and for me, don't you think we can take a little second hand smoke to see another soul in heaven for eternity with Him?

"But God"

Written 8/21/12
This week, has not been an easy week for me. My body is tired, my mind is overwhelmed, and my spirit is also exhausted. Every day is filled with probably 6 hours of physical walking, 10 hours of interactions with sickness, injustice, drug abuse, or teen pregnancy. And the rest of the time, I am in the home of a wonderful family that I met 2 1/2 weeks ago that partially speak English but are very shy. So conversations require thinking and translating and restating and while it's growing us all and getting better every day, it's still exhausting on both ends. My days hardly include downtime and when there is downtime, my teammates are there. Please don't misunderstand me, I love my teammates very much and truly treasure my friendships with each and every one of them, but being around people constantly and interacting every minute of the day has begun to take its toll. When I get tired, more and more things bother me that don't normally. The grace and patience I have for my teammates and the community grows slowly thin and to add insult to injury, I try my absolute hardest to not let my annoyances or exhaustion be visible so I try to cover every thing up on top of already feeling it. And as my eyes get heavier, I am reminded just how real and how much the devil loves me at this point. When I'm tired, my guard is down, anything can bother me, and he thrives. I have been overwhelmed the past few days with what I will do for a job when I get home, how my parents are feeling, what can I do to help my relationship, how can I show my friends I care, what will being home be like again, and the list goes on and on. None of these things are bad things, but they do cause me to miss the here and now and truly don't matter and won't matter for quite some time and even then, I trust God to perfectly ordain His next steps, but my tired flesh wants answers and a plan.

But God. Recently in my study of the Word, in so many places, the phrase "but God" is a turning point and one not only of a decision, but a divine shift or appointment in the scriptures. And the more time I spend in His presence, even when my body wants sleep more than anything else, the more "but God" moments I begin to experience in my own life.

Today, my "but God" moment came thru a boy named Justin. Justin is 12 years old and weighs 16 kilograms. For my nurse friends, figure out his med conversions, just kidding lol. Justin weighs about 35 pounds. Justin was born with severe special needs and needs complete and total care 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Justin will probably never speak, but his smile, made up of mostly missing or rotten teeth, could light up the entire night sky. His blue eyes are the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen and his little freckled face shows the joy of Jesus in a completely perfect way. Justin's soon to be step father attends the church we visited on Sunday morning here in Lambert's Bay and insisted his son needed to meet us. There unfortunately no special needs classes for Sunday school and even if their were, Justin would require too much help so his mom and future step father trade off weeks in service. Today was the only day in the week that worked for our schedule and theirs, and God knew, today was the day I needed Justin. The gym was swarming with girls after the pregnancy prevention class we taught today, but we all came out to Justin and his parents standing outside in the beautiful sun. I was held up with some of the girls so I missed the introductions, but by the time I got to Justin, his dad was comfortable enough with us to let us hold him, and I was the first one he offered to. As I held him, he reached up to touch my head and I learned he loves hair. Well, my mop of waves and curls were tied up today so as I held him in my arms, I had a team mate let my hair down. I have never seen a smile bigger than the one Justin had on his face as he touched my hair and saw it fall all around his face. As I held him. I prayed every prayer I could think of thanking God for his life, praying for healing, praying for God to move in his life some how, the list goes on and on. But as I prayed for Justin, I felt my exhaustion lift in a way I cannot describe. Holding a 35 pound boy was effortless. My annoyances began to vanish one by one. The only thing that mattered to me was Justin and Gods love for him being shown to him. I remember the girls from the class playing with my hair and pulling quite hard, but nothing mattered but Justin because God had come in the middle of my bad day and decided that a "but God" moment needed to change the entire course of the day and week. I came home to my host family, where I was supposed to be cooking dinner tonight, to find Aurielle cooking. I guess they ran out of time to go to the store so my meal had to wait, which meant I got an extra hour to just relax, but all I wanted to do was stand in the kitchen and tell Aurielle about the amazing little boy I met and the way God provided in the most perfect time. "But God" moments don't come around every day for me and if I'm not careful, I miss them sometimes. So my challenge to you is to be on the lookout for "But God" moments in your life and pray like it all depends on Him. And when moments like that happen, tell the world how great our God is and how He took whatever situation we were in and decided to exchange the period in the sentence for a comma and a "but God."

Reality

Written 8/19/12

I think so many times, people have this view of missions as glamorous and like the "in" thing to do in Christianity and really just as a young adult right now in America. The mindset is that every day is tiring and long, but somehow our normal every day human emotions fade and people think that life just can't have anything negative in it at all or if it does have negative, we somehow will just maintain a happy "Christian" demeanor and God will get all the glory. Don't get me wrong, God still gets all the glory, but its not always easy to maintain the right spirit and life certainly isn't always perfect.

I woke up early this morning to shower before church. Thru a few miscommunications, I was unable to take a bath this morning. Taking a bath requires notifying my host family at least 2 hours prior to the time I want to bathe or the night before in order for them to turn the hot water heater on and the water to warm up. I was quite annoyed to be honest. I thought for sure I had asked multiple times to bathe this morning and since it's Sunday, I couldn't just put a hat on to go to church. But I guess the language barrier came into play again and I wasn't clear. During breakfast, I was talking to my host mom about a lunch that one of the other host families planned for all the host families and our team today. She was very firm in the fact that we were not going and I was to come home for lunch after church. I found out later that both of these incidents were miscommunications and to be honest miscommunications happen quite often when you live in a place where the first language of the people is not your first language! Neither of these events were negative or worked out in any sort of bad way, let me make that very clear. But by the time I arrived at church this morning, I was quite annoyed. Not for any specific reason, but I'm human and I allowed my emotions to rule and get in the way today. Disappointingly enough, it took me a bit of time to let the annoyance of my rough morning fade and allow myself to actually get involved with the service. Our community partner, Hein, spoke (in English, which was a nice treat!) but he spoke about the parable of the sower and really challenged everyone in the building.

For as long as I can remember, my mom has taught me about the devils attacks. More specifically, the war that is waging for our souls in the spiritual realm. But when you're 7 years old, attacks are much easier to understand. But as I look back on this mornings events, I can't help but to see the devils efforts to distract me from what God had for me in Hein's message and ultimately the entire day. Being aware of the attack from today got me thinking about missions. It isn't all rainbows and smiley faces amidst the hurt and pain of the people we are doing life with. I am challenged every day, my heart breaks every day for someone or a situation or something going on in the community. While people may be aware of the challenges, I think there is a lack of awareness of the war in the spiritual realm and how it manifests in the work we do every day. In Africa, everything has a spirit. Everything has life and the forces of good and evil are always fighting. The people are very aware of it, too. They can hear the changes in the sounds around them and identify that as the change in the balance or they know when not to leave the house because evil is very prevalent. Americans, for the most part, live their lives without giving a second thought to the spiritual realm. I think in America, the devil attacks differently. I know in my house, if my parents are working on a big event or important message for their ministries, they are constantly fighting. And the same has been true in my life. When I was on the reservation, God was moving in some incredible ways. It was the day we had our feet washed. God was doing so much where I was, but I made an offhand comment to Drew about something and it really hurt him. And on our team, we are 12 people from all different walks of life that haven't ever met before and are trying our hardest to get to know each other while dealing with extreme injustice. The devil knows that if he can start fits or annoyances within ourselves, he distracts us from our goal and ultimately slows down the process and what God has for us to do here. The devil knows our closest friends and the people we care about most and if he can use trouble with them to get our eyes off of what God is doing, he has succeeded. If the little fights work, he doesn't need to do anything more to throw us off. BUT, if we are on guard to the devils attacks and aware of when God is moving or using us in great ways, we can be more mindful of the traps and pray our way thru them and consciously choose not to fall for the devils tricks. I will admit, I doubt I'll ever be able to see them all coming or not fall into some of the devils traps but the more I'm aware, the less I will but more importantly, the more that I pray thru the things I'm confronted with and wake up every day and put on every piece of the armor of God, the less likely I will be to get hit by one of the "flaming arrows of the evil one." My prayer is that you may be more aware of the spiritual realm and that every day, you wake up and put on His armor in order to walk thru the day He has for you and accomplish His purpose and not the purpose of the evil one.

Hope

Written 8/16/12

As I sat in the teen pregnancy awareness meeting today with 20 girls from the community listening to what they want to do when they grow up, my heart broke. The number of girls that graduate high school without getting pregnant is getting lower, the number of girls that go to university is very low, the number of girls who graduate high school is lower than that of the boys who graduate due to dropping out to care for children or to satisfy their abusive boyfriends. So as I listen to the handful of girls that want to be doctors and the future nurses and lawyers tell me they have big plans for their lives, I can't help but wonder how many of the single moms with multiple babies from multiple fathers once had these very same ambitions. Talking to the girls in the class more, they don't know what it takes to accomplish those goals. They don't understand the cost or the fact that they would be a very very small minority that went to college and would have to fight every social norm in this town to get to Capetown to study. Not to mention the drive and determination it would take to study at the level they would need to. Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way saying they shouldn't try. I believe every single one of them should fight to make a life for themselves and to independently take care of themselves, but the more and more I learn about this community, the more I'm aware I'm a dreamer and not realistic in any way. We have learned that girls as young as 11 years old have babies here but the average age is around 16. Most of the families either don't have a father present or the father figure is a man that beats his wife and children so the boys grow up learning that's what a man does and the girls learn that you take the abuse. Drug abuse is rampant and kids don't know any other way than what their parents have done their entire lives. Countless babies are born addicted to drugs or with fetal alcohol syndrome. The reality of Lambert's Bay breaks my heart countless times a day. The injustice is so apparent that a blind man can see it. But then I hear these little girls say they want to be doctors, lawyers, singers, and nurses and even tho I know the reality that maybe only one or two of them will actually escape the statistics, I can't help but to think of the hope they have of something greater. We join with local ministries to help not just show hope, but to put hope into motion and teach the teens in the community how to accomplish those goals and how to change the mentality that women are worth less than men and that men can do whatever they want to women and subsequently whatever they want in every area of their lives.

Unfortunately, this hope has a long way to go. From my seat in the class today, I had a perfect view of a beautiful 15 year old colored girl, with a palm size bruise on her left cheek. While Mariki talked to the girls, she laughed at all the uncomfortable parts and seemed to be one of the more confident girls in the class and it was apparent that she wanted you to think that about her. She told the group she wanted to be a singer when she gets older and even shared some of her incredible God-given talent. But as she opened her awe-inspiring mouth to sing for us, I couldn't help but notice that when she sang, she seemed free. Those same eyes didn't look free as she laughed at Mariki. She did a very good job of covering up the truth, as many of the girls do here. I'm told they don't talk about abuse and no one asks, even if they know the truth for fear of a worse beating or being beaten to death for opening their mouth in a negative way about their significant other or father. As Mariki spoke, her eyes were heavy. She looked burdened and hurting but didn't want anyone to know. We never found out where the marks came from, but it doesn't matter. I blatantly saw, for the first time, the injustice that has such a stronghold on Lambert's Bay and many of the surrounding communities. My heart and life will never be the same, but this isn't about me. It's about the hundreds of women and girls that are under the impression that they are utterly defenseless to the men who provide for them. My prayer is not just that God would some way, somehow break through the strongholds and destroy the chains that hold the people of Lambert's Bay so strongly captive but that He would use them to spread His love and heart to the entire Western Cape and set this entire province and ultimately South Africa on fire for His name! There is potential. There are leaders. There is desire. There are ways. There is hope.

The Little Things

Written 8/14/12

We have been here for almost 2 weeks now, and in our communities with our host families for about 10 days. We're definitely starting to settle into a routine of home health care in the morning, meals on wheels deliveries at lunch and substance abuse classes for boys on Mondays and Wednesdays and pregnancy prevention and awareness for girls in the afternoon. Our days start promptly at 8 am and if we're lucky, end around 6 pm but most days, we're invited to youth meetings, parties, or just random events that take us until 9 or 10 pm. As you can imagine, our days are extremely long and tiring, but we are forming some incredible relationships as well as learning a ton about the community and city of Lambert's Bay.

In addition to our time in the community, we are each living individually in host families. Every host family has already accepted us as parts of their families, but some of our "family dynamics" are a bit different. Allow me to explain. My team mate, Katie, is with an older woman who lives in the city who seems to know everything going on in the community and tells Katie how much she loves to "communicate." "communication" is her word for talks a lot. She and Katie get along great since Katie loves to talking is very interested in a vast number of subjects. My family on the other hand is a mother and father (Jessica and Nevile), Aurielle who is 26 and has a 6 year old son named Je-Nauvan. Malcolm is 25 and the only make child. Finally, Lucy is the youngest daughter, she's 20 years old. Uncle Nevile is the police captain of Lambert's Bay (so all my moms out there...I'm safe!), Auntie Jess is a house wife (and her house is always perfect and beautiful), Aurielle works for the local government, Malcolm works at the local store, and Lucy works at the french fry factory (the area around Lambert's Bay is great for farming, especially potatoes), and Je-Nauvan loves to rap and run around the house randomly break dancing. The entire family is extremely welcoming, and caring, but the entire family is very quiet. Anyone who knows me, knows I'm anything but quiet. So it's asking a bit longer for me to build a relationship with my host family that is deeper. In addition to them not talking much as a family, the people here speak Africaans (a combination of Dutch and other African languages). I'm doing my absolute best to learn and the teens know English, but Auntie Jess and Je-Nauvan don't speak much English at all. I think the language barrier makes Auntie Jess nervous, but Je-Nauvan just doesn't understand. He thinks if he yells Africaans at me that I will understand better, but in reality, at 6:30 am when he's screaming Africaans at me, he is really lucky he's cute. Even tho my relationship with my host family is building slower than the rest of my teammates, I wouldn't change my host family for the world. Aurielle is getting married next year and they invited me to the wedding. She also told me I have to come and "catch" the next baby she has...yea, that's probably not going to happen but it's still awesome to be told and invited to. Being with a quiet family has forced me to be quieter. When I'm quieter, I'm listening more. When I'm listening more, I'm not just hearing more about those around me, but I hear more from Jesus as well. I spend more time with my Savior and less time on my own, which is so incredibly refreshing and something I'm realizing is crucial to my life and ministry. Even tho I'm quieter here, I'm also more in tune to Jesus' voice simply because I have more time to listen and I would never change that time for the world.

As I spend more time in the community, I am constantly reminded of the twisted mindset and lost ideas of the people who live here. These ideas are decades and centuries in the making. When I realize this reality, I can either let it overwhelm me and discourage me, or I can allow it to change my point of view and let it encourage me in return. Over the past week, nothing has changed. Teen pregnancy rates haven't decreased, the hundreds of people addicted to crystal meth haven't quit cold-turkey, racial prejudices haven't disappeared, BUT small things in different individuals have started to change. Over the past week, my relationship with Lucy has grown from saying hi to her spending 20-30 minutes sitting on my bed at night before she goes to work and after my day is over, just talking about what's going on in our lives. The people of the community now greet us first, when a week ago, they wouldn't even wave back. People in the community that were too nervous to host a "white American" in a colored community, now are upset they didn't open their homes and can't wait until the next team comes and they get to partner with them. The teenage boys are beginning to see my male teammate, Josh, as a mentor and friend and he has had opportunities to show them what it means to be a man of God and to not take advantage of women. The girls, including me, have developed relationships with the young woman here and have been able to pray over them and speak truth into them, affirming who they are and their worth in Christ and not in boys and sex. Individually, these occurrences don't mean a whole ton, but when we add them all together, we can see the beginning of progress and the reassurance of hope for the future. If I could encourage you in any way this week, know that the little things you discount and think are nothing, are everything and Jesus is working them together for His glory in His timing. I might not see change in Lambert's Bay in the next 4 weeks, but that doesn't mean the small things I am part of here aren't adding up in the Kingdom. And the same is true for your ministry and in your life. God is moving and using everything you do and say. Find joy and encouragement in the little advancements of faith or relationships or whatever God is putting on your heart. Don't be discouraged because you have been praying for 2 years and haven't seen God completely change a life or a situation. Rejoice in the small things, find hope in the future, and never let go of the promise that God is for you and His timing is always perfect.

Find in Me thine all in all

Written on 8/4/12

Well, we're here! We're bundled up and everyone is always cold in AFRICA! It's somewhat strange for the mentality that we're in Africa and its only 50 degrees. Since were on the opposite side of the equator, it's winter now and it will be chilly for quite some time. I have at least 4 layers of clothes on everyday and have worn the same pants every day (since I only brought one pair and the rest skirts). I really wish I would have brought some under armour tights! But anyway, enough about the climate. Our first day was all about exploring. We're staying in Lambert's Bay, a fishing community right on the coast and our view is of the beach and ocean. It won't be this beautiful of a view and laid back of days starting Sunday, but for now, I am in complete awe of Jesus and His creation. Seeing the beauty of the place we are going to be ministering to has set such an incredible foundation for where God is moving us next.
Starting Sunday, we will be split into 2 groups for the next 6 weeks. 2 of us are permanently staying in Lambert's Bay and ministering here the entire 6 weeks and 2 team members will be staying in Vredendal for the entire 6 weeks. The remaining 8 team members are split into 2 groups and will spend 3 weeks in each community. I'm staying in Lambert's Bay the entire 6 weeks with my team mate, Cailee. Our main ministries are an old folks home (nursing home) and a counseling/awareness center that does a ton with teen pregnancy, HIV/AIDS, and father involvement in the children's lives. Vredendal is a primarily farming community with some children's ministry on the plans as well. The 2 girls saying there the entire 6 weeks are totally into farming and agriculture and it's a perfect fit for them, just like Cailee and I are a perfect fit for our community as well. We're definitely looking forward to meeting our host families and starting what we came for.

We have been in training the past few days and I can't even begin to cover everything I have learned. I feel far more equipped to start my ministry and 150 x more motivated. The lies and cultural norms that have such a strong hold on this continent have broken my heart and challenged me to do everything I can to love the people and show them the God I love and serve. My goal is not to convert them, our desire is to build relationships and start to change the beliefs in the lies and come along side of the ministries already in motion In the communities we are in to "pour gas on the fires they have already lit" as our community partner Hein says. And I couldn't agree more.

As I stood on the shore today, watching huge waves come rolling in and seeing the beauty of Gods creation and His power in the ocean surround such a dark and lost place, He reminded me that He's here. He always has been here, He will always be here, and He has a great plan for Lambert's Bay. I am but a piece of its story that He chose for me to be, but He has a plan and completely surrounds everything they do and are. In addition, His cleansing power is all around them as well. His power is manifested so beautifully in the ocean and He reminds me that He is still in control, even if it looks like darkness has completely taken over and all is lost, He is still in control and still has a plan for Lambert's Bay. So I will humbly serve and pray for the people of Lambert's Bay and do whatever He calls me to during my time here in order to honor His plan and bring glory to His powerful name.

"Child of weakness, watch and pray. Find in Me thine all in All." the first night we arrived, this challenge and promise began swirling around in my mind. And it hasn't left. Every step I take in this journey reminds me of my human weakness. Every step reminds me that alone, I can't accomplish anything in this life. Every step reminds me that this life I live and the call I have from His has nothing to do with my ability and everything to do with His Plan and His ability. However, I am His child so my weakness, is used for His glory. My brokenness, allows Him to shine thru me and bring Himself more glory than anything I could ever do myself. But His will, purpose, and plan can't ever be manifested if I don't watch Him always and pray without ceasing. Every person I come into contact with, every conversation I have, every place I step, needs to be covered in prayer to allow Him to work in new ways both in and thru me. It also allows me to hear Gods voice and His promptings more clearly because I'm constantly in conversation with Him and am able to listen more clearly than when I don't talk to Him often. In listening to Him and talking to Him constantly, I find myself relying on Him for every part of every need I have. I have little to no contact with my support system and at first it was daunting, but now, I see myself relying on my God for so much more than I ever have before and in that, there's so much peace and freedom in that. I don't need to plan, I don't need to know what's coming, I know that my God will supply ALL of my needs. So I am more able to focus on where He's taking me and less on what I don't know. It's an incredible place to be, completely different, but so much better than any way I have lived life before and I never want to go back to the old way of relying on myself alone. My prayer is that every day, I give more and more to Him and depend on more and more of Him and less and less of me. I pray your life would follow this path as well because He truly wants to use you and bless you in His perfect way, if you only let Him have everything.