Psalm 18

Have you ever read a passage more times than you can count, without really reading it? Reading it in a heart-wrenching, view-changing kinda way? Tonight, Psalm 18 was that passage for me. I have eluded to many life-changing experiences in previous posts without much detail (God is still working and I'm still very much processing everything) but these changes have caused pain, heartache, and total revision in many areas of my life. More times than I can count, I have prayed the prayer that so many of us pray far more often we would like of "God, I love You, and know You have me in the palm of Your hand, but right now, You are all I have. My strength, my hiding place, everything Jesus, just hold me and care for me because I can't do this on my own." The beginning of Psalm 18 begins this way as well.

"I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised, and I am saved from my enemies." 

{Psalm 18:1-3}

But here's where my eyes were opened and where the overwhelming comfort came for me. His response in the next 9 verses or so are filled with so much emotion that the entire earth is shaken and changed because God's children (me and you) are in distress and being persecuted. Our God, the Creator of the Universe, the Father of everything, feels this strongly for you and I EVERY time our hearts break, EVERY time we cry, EVERY time a bad report comes, EVERY time a friend hurts you, EVERY time, EVERY TIME! I know for me, when I hurt, I almost feel like I am bothering God, especially if it's the 27th time I have cried out to Him for the same thing in the past hour, but it doesn't matter if it's the first time or the 151st time, a diagnosis of cancer or a lost set of keys, our heartaches are His heartaches, our pains are His pains.  It's NEVER a bother to Him, it's NEVER too small to concern Him, it's NEVER too "dumb" or pointless. He wants to hear it all and wants to be the one we run to EVERY time so that He can react the way that He does below and provide for His children. 

"In my distress I called upon the Lord to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears.Then the earth reeled and rocked; the foundations also of the mountains trembled and quaked, because he was angry. Smoke went up from his nostrils, and devouring fire from his mouth; glowing coals flamed forth from him. He bowed the heavens and came down; thick darkness was under his feet. He rode on a cherub and flew; he came swiftly on the wings of the wind. He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him, thick clouds dark with water. Out of the brightness before him hailstones and coals of fire broke through his clouds. The Lord also thundered in the heavens and the Most High uttered his voice hailstones and coals of fire. And he sent out his arrows and scattered them; he flashed forth lightnings and routed them. Then the channels of the sea were see and the foundations of the world were laid bare at your rebuke, O Lord, at the blast of the breath of your nostrils." 

{Psalm 18:6-15}

The passage goes on to explain how the Lord rescues us from the enemy, but also how He prepares us to fight in the battle. He tells us in John that we WILL have trouble, but to take heart for He has overcome the world. Here, He tells us how He will prepare us to fight and to stand WITH Him as we fight against the enemy that rages for our lives. I know so many times in my own life, I don't feel strong enough to even stand, let alone to fight. BUT reading this passage tonight reminded me of how strong I truly am, not because of the woman I am, but because of the woman God has made me to be through Him. My flesh, could never fight the battles I am fighting right now and the battles I believe I will enter as I first get closer to leaving, then in Africa, and ultimately for the rest of my time on this earth. I myself am not strong enough for any of it, but I am stronger today than I was yesterday, and I will be even stronger tomorrow because of the power of Christ that is alive in me. My journey will not be an easy one, and I know that the battle in the spiritual realm surrounding this trip has already grown extremely fierce. But I also know that the same power that raised Jesus from the dead is alive in me and while I may not know how to wield that power just yet, the Creator of the Universe is teaching me more every day and the doubt I have in my own abilities is decreasing as He is increasing. 

DOUBLE DIGITS!

99 days from today I will FINALLY officially meet my team and start training in Arizona! While my last blog post is still true some days, more and more days include excitement and looking forward to what God has in store for me and my incredible team in Africa. Last Friday I went to REI to get an idea of the gear I will need for my trip and was blown away by God yet again. Just in asking the staff questions I had the ability to share my faith and information about my trip with a few staff members and even exchanged emails with one who wants to follow my progress and blog! God's hand is already moving so much and I am so unworthy of His plan. In addition to showing those people Jesus, I actually made my first purchase! The tent in the picture below is what I will be sleeping in for 6 months!  

As I was setting it up in my living room for the first time I asked myself multiple times, "What have I gotten myself into?!" But even in the midst of the panic, there was a still small voice that left me with overwhelming peace. That peace, is what will get me through the next few months and ultimately the 6 months in Africa. God didn't promise it was going to be an easy road, in fact He told us that in this world we WILL have trouble, but He did promise a peace far greater than any understanding and that He has overcome the world. He is already proving Himself greater than anything I could ever ask or imagine and I haven't even left Detroit yet. As I write this, I am overwhelmed with scriptures and promises that my God has provided to show His hand and provision in my life and this journey He has called me to. Our God is NOT a God of chance, He is NOT a God that leaves His people alone. He IS a God of divine plans, He IS a God that walks through EVERY second of EVERY day with us. His plan is ALWAYS perfect and His timing is NEVER wrong. Because of that promise and who I know my God is, I have peace.

Working towards excitement

Every time someone asks me about Africa, their first question is always, "Are you excited?!" And every time, I feel fake as I look them in the eye and respond with a resounding "YES!" Don't get me wrong, I am working my hardest to be excited but the most abundant feeling I am currently experiencing is fear. As July 7th draws closer, my anxiety level rises. Well, I guess I can't say anxiety level, it's more the feeling of complete and utter inability. I know my God is greater and He can do incredible things with the jawbone of an ass among other super flawed and "human" people, and I know that He has not given me the spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind, but so many times, I doubt myself. I question God in what on earth He was thinking by picking me to go thousands of miles from home, and sleep in a tent, and preach/show people His love. I don't feel worthy. I don't see myself as an Esther or a Ruth that can change the course of history by stepping out in my faith. I don't look in the mirror and see someone who people would write about in the most amazing book ever written. But then, I am reminded that those people, the Ruth's and Esther's and Peter's and John's never saw themselves that way either. In fact, I bet if we asked them now, they still wouldn't think they should be named as a cornerstone of the Christian faith or a woman that saved the entire race. I bet they would want themselves to remain nameless and God's glory to be the only thing that is on record.


There used to be a time in my life, not too long ago, that I didn't step out in Christ for His name, but for my own. That my pride overcame everything that I did, but I did a really good job of masking it so it looked like I was really fearless and courageous in Christ. Through a series of many things the past 5 months, God has taken my pride and obliterated it in order to truly break me down and cause me to trust in Him alone. Some days my trust isn't what it should be and I look around at the water God is allowing me to walk on with Him and immediately begin to sink. But other days, like today, God uses little passages like Acts 4:13 that says "Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were uneducated and common men, they were astonished. And they recognized that they had been with Jesus." People tell me every day that the courage and boldness I have to step out for Jesus in this way is incredible, but I never feel that way. I am only an "uneducated and common [wo]man that has been with Jesus" and everyday have to remind myself that this journey is not for me or by my own ability but it is for His glory and by His ability. I pray that no matter what trials or struggles God is taking you through today, that you know that He is greater and you are only an uneducated common man BUT you have been with God and that, changes everything. 

Really God?

This entire journey has been quite a whirlwind, and we're 4 months away from our departure date! It all started with a postcard and a phone call to find out more information and within a month, God had turned my life upside down and I was accepted and placed a deposit to hold my spot on a team of people, none of which I have ever met, going to Africa for 6 months. 


This journey has already been one of great loss, great stretching and exponential growth for me. I wish I could say I have enjoyed it all, but in reality, there have been nights spent crying out to God for His strength and His courage, but in the midst of the sometimes overwhelming fear, there is a light that always shines through and a peace that surpasses all understanding that Africa is where God has called me from July 7th to December 22nd. 


So far, I have raised a little over $2500, and the trip's total is $8800, but I am 100% trusting God that if I do the work, He will bring the reward. 


As I write this, we are 115 days out from the trip and I cannot wait to see what God is going to do in those days, let alone the incredible 6 months that follow!