Every time someone asks me about Africa, their first question is always, "Are you excited?!" And every time, I feel fake as I look them in the eye and respond with a resounding "YES!" Don't get me wrong, I am working my hardest to be excited but the most abundant feeling I am currently experiencing is fear. As July 7th draws closer, my anxiety level rises. Well, I guess I can't say anxiety level, it's more the feeling of complete and utter inability. I know my God is greater and He can do incredible things with the jawbone of an ass among other super flawed and "human" people, and I know that He has not given me the spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind, but so many times, I doubt myself. I question God in what on earth He was thinking by picking me to go thousands of miles from home, and sleep in a tent, and preach/show people His love. I don't feel worthy. I don't see myself as an Esther or a Ruth that can change the course of history by stepping out in my faith. I don't look in the mirror and see someone who people would write about in the most amazing book ever written. But then, I am reminded that those people, the Ruth's and Esther's and Peter's and John's never saw themselves that way either. In fact, I bet if we asked them now, they still wouldn't think they should be named as a cornerstone of the Christian faith or a woman that saved the entire race. I bet they would want themselves to remain nameless and God's glory to be the only thing that is on record.
There used to be a time in my life, not too long ago, that I didn't step out in Christ for His name, but for my own. That my pride overcame everything that I did, but I did a really good job of masking it so it looked like I was really fearless and courageous in Christ. Through a series of many things the past 5 months, God has taken my pride and obliterated it in order to truly break me down and cause me to trust in Him alone. Some days my trust isn't what it should be and I look around at the water God is allowing me to walk on with Him and immediately begin to sink. But other days, like today, God uses little passages like Acts 4:13 that says "Now when they saw the boldness of Peter and John, and perceived that they were uneducated and common men, they were astonished. And they recognized that they had been with Jesus." People tell me every day that the courage and boldness I have to step out for Jesus in this way is incredible, but I never feel that way. I am only an "uneducated and common [wo]man that has been with Jesus" and everyday have to remind myself that this journey is not for me or by my own ability but it is for His glory and by His ability. I pray that no matter what trials or struggles God is taking you through today, that you know that He is greater and you are only an uneducated common man BUT you have been with God and that, changes everything.
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