What are you waiting for?

3 weeks from today, I have the privilege of picking my handsome man up from the airport to spend 2 whole months in the US (the longest amount of time we have spent in the same place). And I find myself more and more anxious for the day I get to see him. Of course that's normal, but it made me think, do I do this with every part of my life? Do I live in anticipation of what's coming and miss the things God has set out for me to do today? I know in my relationship, the distance and time changes are far more stressful than either of us could have imagined, and I find myself very angry and frustrated by the fact that Drew needs to sleep when I'm in the middle of a catastrophe. Don't get me wrong, he is incredibly supportive and we do all that we can in order to support and be there for each other, but I know that I cannot wait to have him in the same time zone and state again soon. But I miss things. The other night he stayed up really late to talk since we hadn't seen each other the entire week and the very next day I jumped on him for something little and pointless, making his sacrifice the day before seem pointless and unrecognized. In my quiet time with Jesus today, I couldn't help but A) be convicted of hurting the man God has miraculously brought into my life, but B) wonder how many times we do this with God. How many times does He bless us or reveal Himself to us and we turn right around and blame Him for something else and completely dismiss the incredible thing He did for us right before? How many times do we look forward and miss the things the little "distractions" He has for us to do today? How many things have I failed to thank Him for or do in His name because my focus is on what's coming instead of what is here now? How can we shift our focus to see what He has for us to see, today, this minute? 

There's probably a Hillsong song that can apply to every part of our lives, but as I prayed for His eyes, these lyrics poured into my heart and convicted me in ways I cannot describe.

"Open up my eyes for the things unseen, show me how to love like You have loved me. Break my heart for what breaks Yours, everything I am for Your kingdoms cause" 

Show me how to love like You love me....everything comes back to love. I know it sounds so fundamental, but it is. If we learn to love people like Christ loves us, we won't miss the here and now. If we learn to love like Christ and love like He loves us we will see the things that are unseen. If we love people like Christ loves us, our hearts will break for what breaks His. And everything we are will be for His cause. 

And since I started with him, selfishly, if I learn to love like Christ, I would be able to love Drew more fully and be able to show him my appreciation for everything he does loving me. 

While love is the greater commandment and the basis for everything we are called to as "little Christ's", I believe there is another piece to this, a piece that I think is just as hard, if not harder in my opinion, than loving like Christ loves us. 

"...For I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content." ~Philippians 4:11b

Content: satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else. 

How many times can you say you are truly "content"? I know I look at the definition and can list a dozen instances from just today that I'm not even close to content. I want my man home, I want to know what God is doing in my life, I want to know when I can go back to the continent that's home, I want to be out of my parents house, I want all sorts of things. And I think that if I can just make it to the next thing that ill be happy or at peace or feel like I'm where I need to be. But nothing in the Word talks about waiting or being anxious about what is ahead. In fact, there are countless references and commands to "not be anxious about ANYTHING" but instead to be content in where Christ has us and what He has called us to and trusting that His plan and timing is perfect in every part of our lives. I'm the first one to be convicted, but being content, allows us to love and shift our focus from our own situations to the lives and circumstances of those around us. And ultimately, gives our Father all the glory in every part of our lives, which is what we are all created for and called to. 

4 months and 4 days.

4 months and 4 days.

That's how long I have been back in Michigan. My time in Africa seems like another lifetime ago but when I reflect back, it's only been 4 months and 4 days. The wonders the devil can do in 4 months. His attacks came almost immediately. From family drama, to saying goodbye to Drew again, to the inability to find a job, the list goes on and on. And as I look back, the person I was when I came home, slowly has faded. I spent 3 months practically stuck in a house while the rest of the world went on without me. I had no idea what God was doing or where He was for that matter. 3 months without a job, 3 months without a plan. 3 months of staring at a TV screen wishing I was back in Africa, yet being so overwhelmed and worn out from the trip, I hardly knew where I was. And then American life came back with a vengeance. I was hired for the nursing position I wanted and I thanked God and hit the ground running. The paychecks started coming, the stress of working flooded back, and my trust in God has continued to be depleted. I somehow had allowed the devil to strip me of my trust in Christ and all the things I learned prior to and in Africa. I look at my life, and hardly see the need for God. I know He is in control, but I am good at my job, I make a lot of money for a new grad, and my life is moving forward in all the ways expected. God is still there, but no where near where He should be. Does my life bring Christ glory anymore? Do my words point people to Him? Am I any different than the people all around me living their lives for themselves? I know I cringe sometimes when I hear the things I say. I know I don't treat Drew the way I used to or respect him the way God has called me to. I know at the end of the day, when I lay down, I wonder what I did for Christ that day and come up empty almost every time. I know my prayer life, is no where near where it was in December and I genuinely miss my God's voice and presence. 4 months and 4 days was all it took. For me to be at a place where I am more frustrated with myself and the way I'm living than ever before. 4 months and 4 days is all it took for me to allow the devil to strip away what Jesus has done in my life. I look back, and cannot pinpoint one day when it all changed, because it happened gradually. One day, I allowed myself to be sarcastic and open my mouth without bringing honor and glory to Christ and the next day, it was easier to do it again. And the next day, I wasn't just sarcastic, I was negative or cynical in a world filled with hope and joy and love. Every day matters. Every day affects the next. Every day the devil is trying with all of his might to tear us down and it's our choice, my choice, who I will live for. Today, I am choosing Jesus. And my prayer is that every day, I would start my day giving it to Him,and you would too.

Jesus, forgive me. I have allowed the devil to take my focus away from You. Please help me to choose to live for you every morning. To love people as You love them, to speak in a way that edifies others and brings You praise, to be joyful and thankful in all things, and to pray without ceasing. I love You and give you everything I am, for without You, I am nothing. I praise You for You are holy. Let everything I say and do bring You praise. Amen.

Unrecognizable

(Written 12/1/12)

A few days ago I sat down with my team leader, Heather, to evaluate my Immersion experience. Among the list of questions she had for me, she asked me for a word, phrase or sentence to sum up my time during this trip. After a few minutes to think, I chose the sentence, "In the best possible way, I don't recognize the girl who got on the plane in Detroit."

While my face and arms may be a darker shade of color and I might not be in the physical shape that I was in 6 months ago, I wasn't referring to my outward appearance (don't worry mom, I didn't get dreads...). This trip has revealed many elements of who I am as well as transformed more of my heart than I knew existed.

Beginning the day before I was even offered a position on this trip, God began to strip away parts of me that didn't glorify Him. By the time July 7th came around, I didn't recognize the girl who applied for this trip. From day one, every part of me has been challenged. Whether it was in training by theoretical injustice instances, or on the Navajo reservation where alcoholism and legalistic religion runs rampant, or in South Africa where skin color decides what social status or even area of town people are allowed in, or in Mozambique where the people are too poor to buy shoes or salt, or in Lesotho where the people are not able to produce enough food for their families and are reliant on South Africa for countless imports, or living with a group of strangers for 6 months, or traveling and dealing with customs and cultures that are not easy to learn or mesh with. Every minute of this trip has challenged me in ways I probably won't fully know for some time to come. Parts of me I never knew existed were not only challenged, but removed. Parts of me were developed in ways I never thought possible. Parts of me were discovered as I allowed God to chip away at what I thought I needed to be while holding me and loving me in a way only He can. Things that used to matter, don't anymore. Things that used to not be on my radar, are glaring and breaking my heart every day. Who I thought I was has disappeared and the woman He has me to be becomes more and more apparent every day.

Not only did He change my outlook on the world I came from, He has begun to prepare me for the world He wants me to be a part of in the future. I think I was 12 the first time Africa was placed on my heart. As I grew and learned, my passion for Africa grew and developed. My choice to go to nursing school directly affected my knowledge of His call on my life for full time medical missions. I didn't know where in Africa He would call me, but I knew after nursing school, Africa was next. Without this trip, I would have never been prepared for full time missions. Seeing multiple cultures and facets of Africa has not only helped me determine God's call for my life, but has opened my eyes and heart to the differences and diversity of the continent in a way that any other trip couldn't have done. The mere nature of this trip took me way outside of my comfort zone to a place where clinging to Jesus was my best and only option to "make it thru" successfully and learn more about Him and His heart for both me and the people of Africa.

Outside of comfort zones is where Jesus loves to take us in order to show us more of Himself, His heart, and His will for us. When was the last time you allowed yourself to be taken outside of the things you know and to simply be alone with Jesus so that He can speak to your heart? It may take a 6 month trip to Africa, it may only take 30 minutes of pure silence with Him and no distractions. It may be different for every one of His children. My time in Africa is coming to an end and so is 2012. What will 2013 look like for you? Will you allow Him to take you out of your comfort zone in whatever way He calls you? Or will you allow another year to come and go without giving everything you have for His glory? After all, do you want people to recognize you when 2014 rolls around, or do you want to be unrecognizable and giving Him all the glory?

"Remember the wondrous works that He has done, his miracles, and the judgments He uttered." -Psalm 105:5

"You're Beautiful"

(written 10/24/12)

I see Your face in every sun rise
The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes
The world awakens in the light of the day
I look up to the sky and say
You're Beautiful

In Mozambique, the day starts when the sun comes up. I realize that this happens in many cultures and time zones all over the world, but in Mozambique, a place where electricity is not a common utility in the homes, the sun is greatly relied upon for work. In my house, the chickens wake up first, followed by Avõ, then the kids and then me. They let me sleep in a bit, since I was a guest but most days still started around 5:30. The door of our house opens to the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen and somehow, sweeping and crushing mandioka for breakfast isn't as terrible with God's beautiful sunrise starring me in the face and His eyes looking down on me. Not many things are awake in the world when the sun rises and families don't really start to communicate with each other or others until later. And even tho I find it hard to form words in English at 5 am let alone Portuguese, there is a stillness and a peace that my Abba is in the very center of, beginning every day with His love and beauty.

I see Your power in the moonlit night
Where planets are in motion and galaxies are bright
We are amazed in the light of the stars
It's all proclaiming who You are
You're Beautiful

I wish there were words in one of the five languages I have learned on this trip to describe the brilliancy of stars when there is no electricity for miles and His creation is the only thing visible but none come to mind even after laying under them for 6 weeks. Not one word, not 500 words could describe how incredible my God is and how beautiful His stars are. As I laid under the stars, my host family thinking I'm crazy, and starred up at the moon, stars, and galaxies that I could see from the rock in front of our house, perfectly curved to my back and neck, I saw the amazing complexities and intricacies of the sky and just how creative my Father got when creating the world. But more than that, His thoughts for me outnumber those stars He created. I tried to count one small section of one tiny expanse of the sky. I couldn't even tackle that much, let alone the entire sky! I'm so unworthy of that many thoughts and that much care and ultimately that much grace. Laying under the stars is by far the most humbling experience. I have never felt so small, yet so loved in my entire life. Night brings a welcomed breeze thru our house and porch. The atmosphere changes when the sun goes down. Families make dinner and spend time unwinding together before heading to bed, around 8 pm because the sun has gone away and so has the ability to see. But for a short while, everything stops. No more working, no cooking, no yelling, at my house everything stops and Avõ and I just sit together starring out over the land. We don't usually say much. Sometimes Avõ gives me a quick Lomway lesson, but other than that we simply sit together and enjoy the quality time and silence we have been given. His power is more evident in the stars, but His presence also fills the air and calms our spirits, together.

I see You there hanging on a tree
You bled and then You died and then You rose again for me
Now You are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You're Beautiful

Life in Mozambique is not an easy one. Ministering in Mozambique is very challenging. But my Jesus hung on a tree, bled, died, and rose again for me. And for Avõ. And for Jame. And for Esperanca. And for every person here in Mozambique. When days aren't easy, and most aren't, it's easy to lose sight of the mission. It's hard to keep the focus on Jesus' sacrifice and sharing His love with everyone in this country and the world. But that is why we are alive and why I am on this trip, to spread His love and grace to the ends of the earth and to share what Jesus did on the cross for each and every one of us.

When we arrive at eternity's shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we'll sing
You're Beautiful

I have had many hard days here in Mozambique. I have been tested and tried in ways I never thought I would be or really wanted to be. At times, I have questioned why I'm even here and what my presence is doing for my family and the community. But I'm reminded at my plan is nothing. And His plan is everything. His plan is perfect. His timing is perfect. He has a purpose for it all. I am not called to plant, water, and see growth, and tend the field, and reap the harvest. He has called me here for this season and I don't have any entitlement to see the other seasons. I finally understand that if I don't understand why I was here, until I get to heaven and recognize a Mozambican face from my time here, that it will be enough. I'm satisfied with trusting Him and His plan to know that it doesn't matter what I see, His plan will be carried thru to completion. And I can't wait to get to heaven and join the rest of the bride to sing praises to my God, with the Mozambicans He brought to Himself thru our time here.

I see Your face
You're Beautiful
You're Beautiful
You're Beautiful

Everywhere I look, there are faces. Faces of children. Faces of grandmothers. Faces of men. Faces of mothers. Faces of orphans. But in their face, no matter how broken, tired, or lonely, I see His face. And it is a beautiful beautiful face filled with a joy like none other. God is here in Mocuba, Mozambique. No matter how hard it may be to see at times. He is here and living and working in ways we may never see, but will bring Him more glory than any of us could have ever imagined.

The past 2 nights, I have sang praise and worship songs at night while avõ and I sit on the mat. I always start with "You're Beautiful" because of all the meaning and beauty behind the song. I sing alone and started because I missed music and time with my Savior, but I also know that God moves in worship and, especially in my life, uses it in ways I am constantly blown away by. 2 nights ago as I was singing, Belo avos 8 year old grandson who is visiting from Milange, came running over from his house and said "Ti-Tia (aunt in Portuguese) you're beautiful you're beautiful!" and he began to sing the chorus. So I sang the verses and he sang the chorus with me. Part of the way thru, Jame joined in on the chorus. After we had finished, Belo folded his hands and asked me to pray. So I prayed over the two little boys sitting and praising Jesus with me. Then Belo prayed. Then Jame. The next night, Belo's brother Beliniu joined us and he sang and prayed with us. And any time Belo and I just sat together, we sang "You're Beautiful." Fighting back tears, I thanked God for the little sign of hope and the beauty He is creating in this place as I leave.

Avõ Rosa

(written 10/9/12)

Avõ Rosa has lived quite the life. She is 71 years old and is currently raising her 3rd generation of children. She has cared for an albino granddaughter that everyone wanted to kill, she has raised great grandchildren that she walks to school every morning, she has worked in the fields every morning, made 3 meals a day for countless people for close to 65 years now. But in Mozambique, none of that matters. She is old and in the way. Everyone sees her as senile and someone to take advantage of. I have lived with her for 3 weeks now and have seen her go without meals and leave to go to the market and have family members come and take her clothes and not leave her with much of anything. She wears countless layers of clothing and at first I thought she had dementia, but it is because if she doesn't wear it, she won't have it. Every garment she wears has things tied into it. Money, cashews, peanuts, you name it, it's hidden in her garments. Don't get me wrong, African culture is very much so community but in Mozambique, the elderly have no rights. They are charged with crimes they didn't commit in order to get rid of them. Their families take from them what isn't fair to take. They go without meals when they work hard to farm and prepare the meals simply because someone else came and took their share. Injustice is all around, in all shapes and sizes, but Avõ Rosa and those her age are ones who suffer from more than the rest. the average life expectancy in Mozambique is 37 years old. This woman has almost doubled it and her reward is being treated more unjustly than the rest.

I have been hit in the face with injustice for most of my life, whether it be in Detroit, Jamaica, Trinidad, or on the Res and this trip is no different. From July 7th when I first stepped off the plane, I have been bombarded with things in this life that are simply not fair. Why am I typing on an iPad while the woman I am living with has to guard everything she owns in her clothes from her remaining family members, those who haven't died from HIV/AIDS or skin cancer or some other violent death? Why has she worked so hard for everything she has and I have been blessed immensely? No matter how long I spend in the mission field, I don't think I will ever understand injustice or be able to explain it, but I do know injustice is why I wake up in a grass hut every morning and want to give up everything I have been given. Injustice shouldn't exist and is my motivation to keep moving forward and keep giving of my life and my heart. Avõ Rosa should be cared for and appreciated for everything she has accomplished in her life. She saved a girl from being killed and was kicked out of a village for the life of her granddaughter and now instead of being looked up to as wise and full of stories to pass along, she is taken advantage of and left to fend for herself. For avõ Rosa and the rest just like her, I will continue to run this race.

Avõ Rosa

(written 10/9/12)

Avõ Rosa has lived quite the life. She is 71 years old and is currently raising her 3rd generation of children. She has cared for an albino granddaughter that everyone wanted to kill, she has raised great grandchildren that she walks to school every morning, she has worked in the fields every morning, made 3 meals a day for countless people for close to 65 years now. But in Mozambique, none of that matters. She is old and in the way. Everyone sees her as senile and someone to take advantage of. I have lived with her for 3 weeks now and have seen her go without meals and leave to go to the market and have family members come and take her clothes and not leave her with much of anything. She wears countless layers of clothing and at first I thought she had dementia, but it is because if she doesn't wear it, she won't have it. Every garment she wears has things tied into it. Money, cashews, peanuts, you name it, it's hidden in her garments. Don't get me wrong, African culture is very much so community but in Mozambique, the elderly have no rights. They are charged with crimes they didn't commit in order to get rid of them. Their families take from them what isn't fair to take. They go without meals when they work hard to farm and prepare the meals simply because someone else came and took their share. Injustice is all around, in all shapes and sizes, but Avõ Rosa and those her age are ones who suffer from more than the rest. the average life expectancy in Mozambique is 37 years old. This woman has almost doubled it and her reward is being treated more unjustly than the rest.

I have been hit in the face with injustice for most of my life, whether it be in Detroit, Jamaica, Trinidad, or on the Res and this trip is no different. From July 7th when I first stepped off the plane, I have been bombarded with things in this life that are simply not fair. Why am I typing on an iPad while the woman I am living with has to guard everything she owns in her clothes from her remaining family members, those who haven't died from HIV/AIDS or skin cancer or some other violent death? Why has she worked so hard for everything she has and I have been blessed immensely? No matter how long I spend in the mission field, I don't think I will ever understand injustice or be able to explain it, but I do know injustice is why I wake up in a grass hut every morning and want to give up everything I have been given. Injustice shouldn't exist and is my motivation to keep moving forward and keep giving of my life and my heart. Avõ Rosa should be cared for and appreciated for everything she has accomplished in her life. She saved a girl from being killed and was kicked out of a village for the life of her granddaughter and now instead of being looked up to as wise and full of stories to pass along, she is taken advantage of and left to fend for herself. For avõ Rosa and the rest just like her, I will continue to run this race.

"Exhausted yet Pursuing"

(written 10/3/12)

With only 2 1/2 weeks left here in Mocuba, Mozambique, not much has changed. I wake up earlier now and am allowed to help in the garden, then we hoist water onto our heads from the local well and take it back to the house. I have had the opportunity to crush cassava and sift it for our breakfast the next morning, which reminds me yet again that I need to carve out some time for some push ups. I have swept with branches and washed my clothes in the stream on rocks and with water you cant see thru, but this is all we have and somehow all my clothes are clean. All of our work is done before 8 am when it gets too hot to be in the sun. We start around 5:15 and pack as much in as possible. If it doesn't happen that day, it waits until the following day or dark when the kids bathe and there is no more sun. The rest of my day is spent on a mat. Or at the theatre, which is really a small television and a DVD player in a grass hut with rocks arranged to sit on. I have seen more Indian films with Portuguese dubbed over it with English subtitles than I ever really wanted to in my life, but my family has gone out of their way to take me to do something rather than sitting on a mat. Our work is physically exhausting in the morning, but I think sitting on a mat all day has become more and more exhausting. It's mentally exhausting being the only white person within a few miles and being alone in this particular village and being stared at constantly and having questions fired at you with the inability to answer. Emotionally, when people laugh and talk about you constantly without knowing what they're laughing at or how to do the work they gave you correctly, the days can get extremely exhausting. But this week, in my time in the word on my mat, I stumbled on a verse in 1 Samuel, David and his mighty men are out fighting and as they continue their raids, and in the midst of the accounts, there is a 3 word phrase. "Exhausted, yet pursuing" Of all the words in the English dictionary, exhausted is probably the absolute best one to describe how I completely feel. But David and his men were fighting for the freedom of Israel and I'm sure the only word they could find to describe how they felt was exhausted. Yet they continued to pursue. Just like David and his men, God has called me to continue to pursue and trust in His plan as I move forward in His perfect timing. In 1 Peter 4:13 it says, "But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when His glory is revealed." I am reminded once again that I am not here for my desires or my plans but for His glory to be revealed. So for the sake of His glory, even tho I am exhausted, I will pursue and do everything He has called us to and make the absolute most of my time left here.